The Chuck Finale Versus the Sizzling Shrimp

This weekend presented one of the greatest challenges I've ever faced. The Chuck finale was airing Friday, but Kevin was out of town. As a result, I had to wait until his return on Sunday because that's what Chuck would do for Morgan (note: both of us claim to be Chuck in this scenario despite my uncanny ability to look like Morgan when bearded). We've both loved Chuck since its premiere, and how could we possibly not? It's the ultimate nerd gets the girl story (a girl who has now set the bar far too unobtainably high) filled with countless thrills, humor and heart (although as a scientist and the former president of the mathletes I don't know how that qualifies me to be part of the standard nerdom fanbase...). Hell, we even both responded to unemployment by laying on the couch and eating a giant tub of cheese balls (perhaps my finest moment). Cheese balls and espionage aside, the real draw of the show that made it endure for so many people is that, at its heart, it is about family and friends.

The exact moment I fell in love with Chuck (the homage to the previously mentioned O.C. New Years) 

I wanted to celebrate the finale with a dish truly deserving of the five great years the show has given us. Throughout those seasons, several foods have played key roles like Chuck's famous chicken pepperoni (which was out since it was often described as terrible) or the footlong sub that saved Chuck more times than Casey and Sarah did (which was out because a sandwich doesn't really make for an exciting post). No, the unlikely culinary hero would instead be the titular dish from season one's Chuck Versus the Sizzling Shrimp. 

The Sizzling Shrimp
A Holy Combination of Epicurious.com and AllRecipes.com and My Brain
Servings: 4-6
Time: 40 minutes

Where the sizzle comes from

1 1/2 lbs of shrimp, peeled and deveined
Peanut oil
1/2 onion, chopped
3 cloves garlic, minced
1-2 tsp fresh ginger, minced
1/2 tsp cayenne pepper
1 jalapeno, seeded and minced
1 anaheim red pepper, seeded and sliced
1 red bell pepper, chopped
5 green onions, chopped and divided
1/4 to 1/2 cup white wine
1 tbsp ketchup
1 tbsp white wine vinegar
5 tsp white sugar
3 tbsp cornstarch
3 tbsp water
Salt to taste
Pepper to taste
Jasmine rice, cooked
Pineapple, chopped for garnish

1. Don't freak out.
2. Sauté the onion, garlic and ginger in peanut oil in a large saucepan over medium heat until tender and fragrant.
3. Add the cayenne pepper and cook for another minute.
4. Stir in the jalapeno, anaheim red pepper, red bell pepper and 1/2 of the green onions and continue sautéing until tender (about 3-5 minutes). It may help to cook these up in a separate pan with additional peanut oil and then add it to the onion mix).
5. Pour in the wine, vinegar, ketchup, sugar, salt and pepper and bring to a boil. (You can pretty much keep pouring wine until you think you have enough sauce.)
6. Dissolve the cornstarch in the water then add to the mixture and continue boiling until thickened. Once thickened, lower the heat.
7. Cook the shrimp in peanut oil over medium heat until they turn orange and curve in on themselves (about 2-3 minutes per side). Be careful not to overcook them because they'll continue to cook in the sauce later.
8. Add the shrimp into the sauce and let mix for another 2-5 minutes over medium-low to low heat. 
9. Serve over prepared jasmine rice and garnish with the remaining green onions and pineapple.
10. Enjoy while staking out Triad thugs. Just remember to STAY IN THE CAR!

To be honest, I had no idea how this was going to turn out. After an incredibly long day of cooking (see my coping mechanism of fried chicken and waffles and pineapple upside down cupcakes), I was fairly exhausted, but I powered through to properly honor Chuck (partially thanks to the Chuck marathon I watched all day while cooking). The results were beyond anything I had hoped for. The sauce was phenomenal with a nice sweetness that met its perfect foil with the spiciness of the peppers. All the flavors really played magnificently off of each other to produce pretty much exactly what I imagined when watching the show. What really made it work was that it wasn't over-sauced. The sauce didn't have to smother everything to get the job done. Additionally, the pineapple (thrown in special for Buy More's emergency word) went nicely with the sweetness and added a pleasant hint of acidity.  This is a dish that I would gladly compromise an important stake out for any day. It even had Kevin eating it straight from the pot with the giant wooden spoon (the nail in the coffin that he is Morgan in this scenario).

This poster proudly hangs next to my movie collection. It may be the most awesome thing ever (save Devon Woodcomb).

With ourselves good and stuffed, it was time to sit down for the final two hours of Chuck. I don't know that I have ever been more satisfied with a series finale. I felt like I was back watching the show in its season 2 prime (definitely one of the greatest seasons of television ever), and it put a massive smile on my face. I wasn't sad that the show was ending because they had just finished telling one hell of a story and concluded it perfectly. The little show that could pulled off one of the greatest upsets ever by lasting five years and being able to end on its own terms. So thank you Chuck, Sarah, Casey, Jeffster and the rest of the gang for giving me a guaranteed hour of happiness once a week for the last five years (and for inspiring me to cook what is now one of my favorite Chinese dishes ever). Long live Buy-Moria!

Heather and the Three Pineapple Upside Down Birthday Cupcakes

I've decided that all my friends should have birthdays in the near future because I'm thoroughly enjoying opening up Terry's Crafty Confectionery Crafts (working title) for doling out birthday treats (see Alexis and the Baked Alaska). Up today is Heather, the physical therapist/ former collegiate goalie and expert potato stuffer who often enjoys plundering my baked goods, falling asleep on my couch and laughing at my cursing and pacing during Saints games.

Three varieties for triple the birthday fun!

Heather gave me several starting points for her birthday. She likes pineapple upside down cake, cupcakes and cream cheese frosting. After the hamster on a wheel that controls my brain got spinning, I came up with the ultimate solution: 3 distinctly delightful pineapple upside down cupcakes. The first would be a mini version of a pineapple upside down cake, while the next two would be more of your garden variety cupcakes with pineapple filling and a cherry cream cheese or whipped cream frosting.

Pineapple Upside Down Cupcakes 
Adapted from TasteofHome.com
Servings: 24 cupcakes
Time: 45 minutes (plus all the ridiculous extra steps I put in)

6 tbsp butter, cubed
1 cup packed light brown sugar
2 tbsp light corn syrup
Pineapple slices
Maraschino cherries
3 eggs
2 cups sugar
1 cup canola oil
1 cup sour cream
1 tbsp vanilla extract
2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
Frostings (see below)

1. Preheat the oven to 350.
2. Line the bottoms of a cupcake tin with wax paper and grease the sides well.
3. Melt the butter in a saucepan over low heat. Stir in the brown sugar and corn syrup and stir over medium heat until the sugar dissolves.
4. In a separate bowl, beat the eggs and sugar together until thickened and lemon colored.
5. Beat in the oil, sour cream and vanilla until smooth.
6. Sift the flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt together in a separate bowl.
7. Add the dry ingredients gradually to the wet ingredients and mix well.
8. Spoon the butter/brown sugar mixture onto the waxed paper in the cupcake tin.
9. Place a pineapple slice on top of the butter and fill the hole with a cherry.
10. Pour in the batter to fill the cup about 2/3 of the way.
11. Bake for 16-22 minutes or until the toothpick test comes back clean. Make sure you rotate once halfway through.
12. Let cool on a wire rack then top lightly with frosting (recipe follows).

A dollop of whipped cream covers up where I had to cut the pineapple.

These just might be the most adorable cupcakes I've made yet. They really are just a mini pineapple upside down cake, so you get all those same wonderful flavors in a convenient handheld package. The top (or bottom in this turvy topsy world) is phenomenal. The brown sugar and butter bakes into this perfect sugary layer that meshes spectacularly with the pineapple and cherry (In my ravenous haste, I ate the pineapple first and was left with a sad fruitless/sugarless cake.). My only gripe is that they aren't really a traditional cupcake. Where's the wrapper?!? So I remedied these feelings of not having truly made cupcakes to satiate my inner crazy by also changing things up for a more typical approach (if you count filling and two kinds of frostings as typical).

Pineapple Upside Down Cupcakes (Traditional)

So here's where it gets tricky, readers. If you want more of a traditional cupcake (one in a cupcake wrapper) then disregard steps 2, 3, 8 and 9 from above. Instead just make your batter and pour it into the lined tins. Then after baking, add in some pineapple filling (recipe follows) and garnish with frosting, chopped pineapple and a cherry.

Lining the bottoms with the brown sugar mixture results in a weird divided cupcake with the brown sugar stuck to the wrapper (which is why we skip these steps). Luckily I made a dozen without doing this.

My first attempt incorporated the butter/brown sugar glaze that usually sits on top of a pineapple upside down cake. Unfortunately, this hardened on the wrapper and caused a strange divide with the batter, so you essentially had two non-touching layers (and one very structurally unsound cupcake that would be condemned). I figured this might happen, so I also prepared some without the butteryness. They were absolutely incredible and a completely different experience from the original recipe allowing you to have two awesome and distinct desserts with minimal extra effort (plus the filling could be eaten by the gallon on its own so you should make it anyway). The cake itself had a somewhat crispy exterior (which I've noticed happens with the foil cupcake liners I've been using) that lent some nice texture to the inner moist cake and pineapple filling, while the frostings brought the sweetness to near dangerous levels of delectability (Danger Zone!).

Pineapple Filling
From Food.com
Servings: About 2 cups
Time: 20 minutes (plus chilling)

1/2 tsp salt
3 tbsp cornstarch
1/2 cup + 1 tbsp sugar
20 oz can crushed pineapple, in its own juice
3 tbsp butter

1. Combine the salt, cornstarch, salt and pineapple with juices in a heavy saucepan.
2. Bring the mixture to a boil over medium heat stirring constantly.
3. Let boil for 5 minutes while stirring until it thickens and no longer looks milky.
4. Remove from heat and stir in the butter until melted.
5. Let cool then refrigerate for at least an hour.

This seriously reminds me of some cake from McKenzie's growing up, but I have no idea what its name was (and it's driving me insane). Update: my mom came through in the clutch and remembered it's the Pineapple Delight.

My favorite part of all this cupcakery was definitely the pineapple filling. It instantly reminded me of this cake I used to eat at my grandmother's as a small child (which I sadly can't remember the name of, because I'd definitely spend a week living off of that cake if I knew what it was). Part of me wanted to hollow out the insides completely just to maximize the amount of pineapple.


Cherry Cream Cheese Frosting
From AmandasCookin.com
Servings: Enough for all the cupcakes
Time: 5 minutes (plus chilling)

16 oz cream cheese, softened
1 stick unsalted butter, softened
1/3 cup cherry pie filling
1 tsp almond extract
1 tsp vanilla extract
2-2 1/2 cups powdered sugar

1. Beat the butter and cream cheese together.
2. Add in the cherry pie filling, almond extract and vanilla extract and beat until the cherries are broken into small pieces (about 1-2 minutes).
3. Add the powdered sugar about 1/2 a cup at a time until you reach the desired consistency and sweetness.
4. Refrigerate for at least an hour to help the flavors develop.

I ended up making two frostings for these cupcakes- a cherry cream cheese and a whipped cream frosting. The whipped cream was a nice touch that most closely mimicked a true pineapple upside down cake, but wasn't exciting enough for my tastes (if you'd like to make it you can find a wonderful vanillay recipe for it here). The cherry cream cheese was definitely the way to go with either version of the cupcake. Cherry bits and the almond extract make this stand out from your usual cream cheese frosting (which is saying something because cream cheese frosting is already the greatest thing in the history of things). 

Good to know, cupcakes can have pictures taken of them with candles but NOT with fireworks.

I was extremely proud of these cupcakes and relieved since they helped ensure Heather would remain my friend and Archer watching companion at least until her next birthday. If I had to pick a favorite, it would be the traditional cupcake with cherry cream cheese frosting by a hair over the mini pineapple upside down cake (complete with cherry cream cheese frosting, of course). Heather made sure to sample each one to refrain from insulting the chef (and I appreciate her valiant efforts).

As always, purchase of 2 dozen cupcakes comes with a free sexy pineapple hat.

Since this took quite some time to put together, I made these over the weekend ahead of her actual birthday which is Tuesday (and led to her comically chiming in with "in two days!" during the happy birthday song).  Hopefully, she's resisted the severe temptation calling to her from her fridge and managed to save some for her actual birthday (I'm pretty sure I'd have to tie myself down to accomplish that level of self restraint). 

Happy Birthday, Heather!

Fried Chicken & Waffles with Bacon Whipped Cream

The one experience I missed out on in Los Angeles (aside from getting discovered and living the life of a diva) was a late night run to Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles. While discussing possible brunch ideas with Nancy this weekend, she recommended this dish which has forever occupied a good portion of my brain's desires (it's pretty much that and knowing what it feels like to be tall). Then once she backed out, I was forced to eat it all by myself to deal with my pain and unresolved abandonment issues (My future cardiologist and I would like to thank Nancy for this). The result was perhaps the most ridiculously awesome brunch ever with the ultimate in delightfully unlikely combinations.


Fried Chicken
Adapted from Emeril Lagasse
Servings: 6 pieces
Time: 45 minutes

Emeril calls this essence.

Vegetable oil for frying
3 drumsticks and 3 wings
1 cup all-purpose flour
1 tsp paprika
1 1/2 tsp salt
2 tsp garlic powder
1 tsp black pepper
1 tsp onion powder
1 tsp cayenne pepper
1 tsp dried oregano
1 tsp dried thyme
1 tsp creole seasoning

I was seriously disturbed after touching all this raw chicken.

1. Rise the chicken under cold water but don't dry it.
2. Combine the flour and spices in a gallon ziploc bag and mix well.
3. Add the chicken, seal and shake well to coat evenly.
4. Place the coated pieces on a wire rack over a baking sheet and let sit 5 to 10 minutes.
5. Fill a large deep skillet with an inch of vegetable oil and bring to 350 F.
6. Fry the chicken for 20-30 minutes until golden brown and cooked through turning once.
7. Remove with a slotted spoon and place on a plate lined with paper towels to remove excess oil.

Fried to (almost) perfection with only minor burning!

While this won't rival Popeye's anytime soon, this was a great fried chicken that went well without outshining the waffles (and let's be honest the waffles are the most important part of this). The chicken was both crispy on the outside and juicy on the inside with some nice flavor. I would try to enhance the spices next time by doubling the essence mix.

Buttermilk Waffles

From Emeril Lagasse

Servings: 6 waffles

Thick waffle batter

Time: 10 minutes

2 cups all-purpose flour

3 1/2 tsp baking powder

1 tsp sugar

1/4 tsp salt

2 large eggs

4 tbsp unsalted butter, melted

1 1/2 cups buttermilk

Maple Syrup

Bacon Whipped Cream (recipe follows)

My new best friend. I call him Waffle McIronstein.

1. Preheat and lightly grease a waffle iron.
2. Sift the dry ingredients together in a large bowl.
3. In a separate bowl, beat the eggs, butter and buttermilk together.
4. Add the wet ingredients to the dry ingredients and whisk well until no longer lumpy. Note this should be a thick batter.
5. Pour the batter into the preheated waffle iron and cook until golden brown.
6. Almost burn your chicken because you're trying to get the smoke detector to shut up since waffle irons aren't small apartment friendly.
7. Top with maple syrup and bacon whipped cream.

The world would be a better place if everyone had waffles for breakfast.

After a lifetime of chowing down on Eggo waffles, I was ready to be knocked off my feet by my first homemade try. This waffle was wildly successful thanks to the great buttermilk. These didn't need the fried chicken or bacon whipped cream to be a fantastic breakfast, but adding those additional components only shoots these clear past the moon into uncharted brunch territory.

Bacon Whipped Cream

Modified from VisionsofSugarPlum.com

Servings: More than you'll need for all the waffles

Time:  15 minutes

4 strips of bacon

1 cup whipping cream

2 tbsp sugar

2 tbsp maple syrup

2 tsp vanilla extract

It's bacon!

1. Fry the bacon until crisp. Set aside to cool. (It's probably best to do this before prepping the chicken or waffles so it has all the time to cool and won't melt the whipped cream).
2. Whip the cream in a stand mixer at high speed until stiff peaks start to form.
3. Add in the sugar, maple syrup, vanilla extract and bacon and continuing beating.
4. Make sure the bacon is mixed well throughout and top your waffles generously with this.

Shockingly, the maple syrup ends up being the indispensable ingredient in this decadent and wholly unnecessary (yet oddly so very necessary and right) topping. The bacon is a nice touch, but since the whipped cream isn't infused with the bacon flavor, you only occasionally get that bacony goodness. The whipped cream also pairs surprisingly well with the fried chicken (as does the maple syrup) for a complete and (un)healthy breakfast.

This is what the birth of a clogged artery actually looks like.

Absurd is the only world I can think of to describe the meal that currently has me relegated to sweatpants on the couch. This would even please the world's greatest waffle critics like Leslie Knope and Stephanie Brown (two references to Bryan's Batgirl in the past three posts. Perhaps I'm starting to miss it.). The fried chicken and waffles work amazingly well either separate or disgustingly piled one on top of another to give one of the most utterly satisfying meals you'll ever have. The results truly define the epitome of comfort food.

Colorful and delicious!

As always, My Mess Their Kitchen is an equal opportunity food lover. My vegetarian friends out there should not be deprived of this culinary masterpiece. If you're not in the mood for making this, I highly recommend the soy chicken pancake at Vegan World in Studio City. But if you're a brave soul who seeks to remedy their insatiable craving for fried chicken and waffles in your own kitchen, here's what you need to do. No change has to be made to the waffles (Obviously this is just vegetarian and not vegan. When my brain is able to process information again, I'll try to give vegan suggestions.). For the fried chicken, bread the Gardein chick'n scallopini pieces and fry for considerably less time (since they're much thinner). You can change up the whipped cream by either eliminating the bacon altogether or by using bacon free "bacon" bits or tempeh bacon (but I think the crunch of the bacon bits would likely go better). Good luck, and I'll see you in the cardiac ward!

The Weekly Vegan: Baked Ziti with Grilled Veggies

Since this week's vegan night fell on a work night, I wanted to go with something quick and easy yet delicious (Fortunately, my sister also gave me a vegan cookbook that starts with the words quick and easy. It felt like a sign to use it.). I had a particular hankering for Italian, so I went with a nice baked ziti, which is kind of like the most delicious lasagna impostor out there. I also had a new participant in vegan night, Sarah, who is no stranger to the ways of vegan cooking (meaning she might realize if I actually sucked at it). The pressure was on, but so were the grill and homemade pasta sauce, so I felt set to take on the challenge.


Baked Ziti
Modified from Quick and Easy Vegan Comfort Food by A. Simpson
Servings: 8
Time: 60 minutes

Faux beef FTW!

1 cup vegetable broth + 1/4 cup 
1 1/2 tsp hickory liquid smoke
1 bag Boca meatless crumble
1 pound ziti, cooked according to the package
1/2 onion, diced
4 cups marinara sauce (see below)
Pepper to taste
2 cups shredded vegan mozzarella

Stop now and you have "beefy" mac

1. Preheat the oven to 350 F.
2. Bring 1 cup of the veggie broth and the liquid smoke to a boil in a pot. Add the meatless crumble and let cook until all the broth is absorbed (about 7-10 minutes)
3. Mix the meatless crumble, cooked ziti, onion, marinara sauce (see below for a recipe or use store bought; I won't judge), remaining veggie broth and pepper in a large bowl.
4. Lightly oil a casserole dish.
5. Pour half of the pasta mix into the casserole dish then sprinkle on a cup of the faux mozzarella.
6. Repeat step five making sure to take a sample of the deliciousness you're about to be in for.
7. Cover with foil and bake for 15 minutes. Remove the foil and bake for another 5 minutes or until the cheese melts (if your veggie cheese is having trouble melting like they sometimes do, you can put it under the broiler for about a minute to help).
8. Scoop out like lasagna and enjoy.

It looks kind of like the ziti is trying to escape from a delicious melted cheese pool (fun fact: one day when I'm rich I will have a delicious melted cheese pool)

Like I mentioned above, this is essentially lasagna with different noodles (which in their tubular shape are much more fun to play with). The ziti was cooked just right, and the beefless crumble (with a great hint of smokiness) really simulated your usual carnivorous varieties (seriously you could pretend this was a meat dish and no one would have a clue you were lying). As always, though, the true star was melted "cheese". I've been quite impressed with the cheese substitutes available, and this was no exception. It had the mozzarella taste down perfectly and melted superbly to make each bite incredible (and even a little stretchy).


Marinara Sauce

Randomly thrown together in my head

Servings: 1 baked ziti

Time: 20 minutes

1/2 onion, diced

2 cloves garlic, minced

Olive oil

1/4 cup Red Wine, preferably a cab (here's a handy list of vegan friendly wines)

4 cups tomato sauce

Basil to taste

Oregano to taste

Salt to taste

Pepper to taste

I find the sauce comes out better when I dress and talk like an old Italian woman.

1. Sauté the onion and garlic in oil over medium heat until soft and translucent (about 5 minutes).
2. Add in the red wine and reduce to about half.
3. Pour in the tomato sauce and stir well.
4. Stir in the basil, oregano, salt and pepper and let the flavors marry for about 15 minutes.
5. Let cool somewhat (like 10 minutes) then add to your ziti mix.

This was a pretty good pasta sauce for our baked ziti. There was a sweetness and saltiness to it that worked very well together (and helped make the final product not require additional salt). The big impact, however, came from the onion component. Cooking them in the red wine really helped bring out some of their inert sweetness and flavor that shined throughout (and was further emphasized by adding more onions to the ziti). The only real change I would make would be using crushed tomatoes instead of tomato sauce to provide a little more texture.


Grilled Veggies

Modified from Quick and Easy Vegan Comfort Food by A. Simpson

Time: 50 minutes (30 inactive)

Asparagus, ends trimmed

Squash, sliced

Zucchini, sliced

Olive Oil

Balsamic

Rosemary

Thyme

Salt

Pepper

Not pictured: Grill Master Alexis rocking the veggies.

1. Put the veggies in a plastic bag and drizzle on some olive oil and balsamic.
2. Sprinkle in the spices and mix well.
3. Let marinade in the fridge for at least 30 minutes.
4. Get your neighbor to start up your grill your and lose one man point (If you don't have a grill, bake these in the oven around 400 F for 12-15 minutes. And if you don't have a neighbor, well you're screwed.).
5. Grill on low for 20 minutes flipping halfway through or at high heat for 3-5 minutes per side if you want those grill marks.
6. Realize that strange feeling is your body trying to leach all the nutrients out of the veggies it's been so deprived of.

Apparently, I am incapable of turning on our grill. Luckily, Alexis is a pro and was able to take over grill master duties while I worked on the baked ziti. These grilled veggies were a fantastic side for our baked ziti. The balsamic was key to their wonderful flavors, and the rosemary and thyme created a splendid aroma that enhanced the experience. Plus, Alexis grilled them to perfection lending to their speedy disappearance. 

They were right when they said I couldn't fit it all in my mouth at once...

I think this is the early frontrunner for vegan night of the year. I knew this was a winner when I saw people grabbing stray pieces of ziti on the foil and in the casserole dish while we were cleaning up. Also, this was great introduction to the other vegan cookbook that I know look forward to using for the next several entries in The Weekly Vegan. Three weeks in, I can definitely say that I finding myself looking forward to vegan night every week (and not just because of my strange phobias about touching raw meat).

British for a Day: Scones, Scones & More Scones!

Sunday brunch is, at its heart, a time to feel fancy. And let's be honest; nothing feels fancier than pretending to be British (well maybe wearing a monocle, but the two don't have to be mutually exclusive). For this weekend's adventure in brunching, I decided to go with the coffee shop darling scone. As always, I can't allow myself to make just one kind of anything, so I made blueberry, strawberries and cream and chocolate chip scones. Now let's hop across the pond for a bloody good pastry to stuff in your gob (If you were to bet on the number of overused English sayings that will appear in this post, you should take the over. May God have mercy on my soul.).


Blueberry Scones
Modified from Food Network
Servings: 8-12 scones
Time: 35 minutes

I find throwing pennies in this well leads to an odd copper taste.

2 cups all-purpose flour

1 tbsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
2 tsp sugar
5 tbsp unsalted butter, cold & pea-sized
1 cup fresh blueberries
1 cup heavy cream, plus more for brushing 
Powdered sugar
Milk
Vanilla Extract

The slightly sticky (yet manageable) dough

1. Preheat the oven to 400 F.
2. Sift the flour, baking powder, salt and sugar together in a large bowl.
3. Cut in the butter. You can use two forks or a pastry blender to cut it in, or you can go old school and mash the pieces with your fingers. The end result should produce coarse crumbs.
4. Fold the blueberries into the batter gently with a rubber spatula. If you're too rough, your scones will have nice blueish purple stains throughout.
5. Make a well in the center of the dough and pour in the heavy cream. Fold it together until everything is incorporated and a sticky dough forms (don't overwork it).
6. Press the dough out on a lightly floured surface until it's about 1/2 inch to 1 inch thick and solidly together (again be careful not to mash the blueberries). Since this is a sticky dough, you should coat your hands in flour first to make it more manageable. 
7. Cut your scones into the desired shape. For standard scones, first cut out rectangles then slice them diagonally in half. 
8. Place the scones on an ungreased cookie sheet and brush the tops with a small amount of heavy cream. 
9. Bake for 12-16 minutes or until they turn a golden brown.
10. Prep the glaze while you let the scones cool (this part is going to be very unscientific). Put a healthy amount of powdered sugar in a bowl and add a drizzle of vanilla. Add a small amount of milk and stir like crazy until all the sugar dissolves then add even more sugar until the glaze becomes thick.  
11. Get disgusted at how much sugar you got into that minuscule amount of glaze and pledge to work out later after brushing your teeth for an hour.
12. Pour the glaze onto the cooled scones and let harden for at least 10 minutes then enjoy.

You could stop here, but you'd have to be barking because they're far better when covered in a super dense glaze.

The blueberry scone is probably the variety that most people are familiar with, so I knew the pressure was on to get this one right. At first, I feared they weren't quite sweet enough, but after drizzling on that wonderful instant cavity glaze, they hit the perfect balance. They're crumbly (thanks to all that butter) like you would expect from a scone, but they are also nicely moist for an instant classic breakfast. The real treat of the scone, though, is biting into those fresh blueberries that just burst with flavor.

Strawberries and Cream Scones

The pressed out dough (notice the little bit of extra flour I added to help out)

Do everything exactly the same as for the blueberry scones except this time add blueberry sized pieces of strawberry (again be careful not to go too hard on it or you'll have a less than appetizing red dough). Also, to incorporate the cream taste into the glaze add a small amount of almond extract.

The world's most perfect scone. 

This is everything I wanted in a scone. They tasted exactly like I imagined they would when I envisioned strawberries and cream with almond extract adding the perfect notes and additional sweetness to bring this pastry home. These were so good that I crashed into Kevin's room and yelled at him to try one while he was brushing his teeth (shockingly he declined and looked at me funny but stopped short of telling me to sod off). 

English Royalty Chocolate Chip Scones

Adapted from AllRecipes.com

Servings: 8-10 scones

Time: 35 minutes

1 3/4 cups all-purpose flour

1/3 cup white sugar

2 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp salt

5 tbsp unsalted butter, cold and cut pea-sized

6 oz semisweet chocolate chips

4-6 tbsp orange juice

'Ello Govna (It took every bit of willpower I have for this not to be the first words in the post)

1. Preheat the oven to 400 F.
2. Sift the flour, sugar, baking powder and salt together in a large bowl.
3. Cut in the butter like mentioned in the blueberry recipe until you have coarse crumbs.
4. Stir in the chocolate chips. 
5. Mix in the orange juice until a dough forms. The more orange juice you put, the more workable the dough will be (and the greater the hint of orange in the background will be).
6. Pat or roll the dough down on a lightly floured surface until it is 1/2 inch to 1 inch thick. (This dough won't be nearly as sticky as the fruit scone one).
7. Cut into the desired shapes and place on a lightly greased baking pan.
8. Bake for 12-16 minutes or until they start to become golden brown.
9. Spend the rest of your day talking in a cockney accent since no one can get annoyed with you because you made them awesome scones.

Just by reading the name of these English Royalty scones, you should know exactly why I chose this recipe (I may have debated forcing Kevin and Alexis to refer to me as "your majesty" while sampling these.). There's actually a huge difference between these and the other scones as these are far more traditional with an extra crumbly texture. The chocolate chips (and extra sugar) go a long way to make these an extremely sweet scone (notice how they don't get glaze) that could work as a dessert and not just for breakfast. Oddly enough, the orange juice ends up shining by adding an intriguing backend that pairs surprisingly well with the chocolate.

I'm seriously getting some crazy mileage out of these display plates.

This is the most fun I've had pretending to be British since Bryan's Batgirl #22. Feel free to wear the giant bearskin hat while baking to make things more authentic (and check out Bryan's new donut-centric blog. It's well worth your time since he does this writing stuff for a living.)

Combined, the three delightful scones made for one of my favorite brunches yet (and provided my coworkers with the tastiest Monday staff meeting ever). The wonderful medley of fresh fruit and chocolate generated something for everyone to love (and if you're not a fan of sweet just toss out the glaze). Seriously, it seemed like everyone I talked to had a different favorite (meaning everyone is crazy since strawberries and cream is clearly superior), so I highly recommend you try them all. 

Perhaps I need to stop being such a useless knob and visit England (surely my good friend Brandon has a couch to crash on), so I know what it's actually like instead of just spouting out random sayings (But I just don't think my little heart could handle finding out it doesn't live up to the stereotypes. I'd probably say "bollocks" and cry over some biscuits and tea when I didn't see the giant foot from Monty Python crush anything.).

The Fancy Dinner Party: Peanut Butter Butterscotch Cookies with White Chocolate Ganache

The first dessert I ever cooked (I use "cook" lightly since my mom probably did most of the work) was peanut butter butterscotch cookies in 8th grade for a Speech class project. Dressed in my snazziest blue suit ("looking cleaner than the board of health" Coach used to say), I showed everyone the manly wonders of cookie baking (complete with a fake oven made out of cardboard). Thirteen years later (God, I'm getting old), I would once again grace the world with an even more sugartastic version of these cookies to complete my ridiculously overboard dessert course for Danielle's dinner party. Since our most gracious host has a gluten allergy, these flourless cookies were the perfect treat to thank her for letting us invade her house to eat all kinds of yummy food and drink her alcohol (Fun Fact: gluten-free cooking is every dentist's worst nightmare as it's essentially pure sugar).

Peanut Butter Butterscotch Cookies

So weird having a batter without flour 

Modified from AllRecipes.com
Servings: 18 cookies
Time: 30 minutes

2 cups creamy peanut butter
2 cups granulated sugar
2 eggs
6-8 oz butterscotch chips
6 oz white chocolate chips
1/3 cup heavy cream


Quick side note about keeping these gluten-free: Look for peanut butter that has peanuts as the only ingredient. Also, be careful which butterscotch and white chocolate chips you get (check manufacturer websites). Kroger's Private Selection butterscotch chips meet the necessary criteria as do Nestle's premier white chocolate morsels.

Making proper fork marks is a skill that takes years to properly hone (I poked myself in the eye so many times before finally getting it right).

1. Preheat the oven to 350 F.
2. Mix the peanut butter, sugar and eggs together in a large bowl until you can no longer see the sugar.
3. Stir in the butterscotch chips.
4. Place tightly pressed tablespoon sized cookies 1 inch apart on a baking sheet. Press down on each one with a fork to make a checker board.
5. Bake for 14-18 minutes or until the cookies start to harden (but not too much. seriously this is a tricky cookie to judge).
6. Let the cookies cool on wire racks.
7. While waiting for them to cool, heat the heavy cream in a sauce pan over medium heat until it starts to steam.
8. Slowly pour the cream over the white chocolate chips while whisking constantly to form the ganache.
9. Drizzle the ganache over the cookies. Fight the fact that the crevices made by the fork marks prohibit any attempt to make them pretty. 
10. Let the ganache harden and serve.

If your teeth don't fall out after the first sugar-packed bite, then you'll be in for an incredible treat (even if they do you should just gum it because these aren't to be missed). There's a great peanut butter flavor, but the butterscotch really kicks it up a notch to make each bite one to remember. The true impact player, however, is the white chocolate ganache which helps keep the texture from being too overly dry and brings the sweetness quotient up to levels of decadence that would make Caligula blush. Somehow, what could've been an extremely bland and boring cookie (seriously just look at the 3 whole ingredients that make up the cookie part) turned into something that would've made 13 year old me (and my speech teacher) proud.

All lucky attendees surely agree that Danielle and Marshall threw one fantastic dinner party. Every thing there just made me sad that I had but one stomach to fill. Aside from stuffing ourselves to the maximum stretching capacity of our pants, we also had a fabulous time having great conversation with good friends (and of course watching Scotty teach us all lessons about stretching and dancing). Now, I'll just spend the rest of the week being jealous of the ridiculous kitchen Danielle gets to use whenever she wants (it's not breaking in if I make them food too, right?).

Enjoy these highlights from the dinner party:

Amanda worked the fryer like a pro for these fried ravioli. 

Kevin's shrimp, avocado and cucumber appetizers can get any party started.

The main course of risotto and chicken marsala from Danielle and Marshall made it difficult to leave room for dessert.

The veggie option of stuffed mushroom caps with mozzarella  made me question my meat eating ways.

Phoenix and Tovy share a moment.