Fail Fries: Daikon Radish

It took everything in my power not to turn this into another GIF.

After being inspired by the cardiac culinary adventures of Guy Fieri, Kevin and I expected to have a one-way ticket to Flavortown (# 1 in deliciousness and diabetes), instead we crashed into horrible burnt vegetable flames.

Would we be forced to enjoy our Banh Mi Burgers like peasants without french fries, or could we salvage our failures and prove our true cooking worth?

Fail Fries
Servings: Less than one tall kitchen trash bag
Time: However long it takes for you to admit defeat

Daikon Radish,  peeled & cut to look like fries
Sriracha glaze (found here)
Sriracha beer batter (previously used here) 
Jalapenos, seeded and cut into strips

They look just like fries! I have a good feeling about this...

1. Decide that your Banh Mi Burgers need something more exciting than traditional fries and that it should be healthier too!
2. Oven roast some daikon in sriracha glaze according to a recipe that is about 10 minutes too long!
3. Remove fries from the oven and pick them out from the burnt glazed areas.
4. Gag on the extremely bitter and oddly textured fail fries.
5. Set aside in the trash.
6. Attempt to remedy the situation by frying them in oil. 
7. Realize they're still crazy bitter and weird.
8. Decide to make up your never fail beer batter to mask the horrible.
9. Fry beer battered daikon 3-5 minutes and be overjoyed that they are now edible!
10. Accept defeat and turn to the jalapenos you have leftover for much tastier beer batter fries.
11. Cry the cry of a thousand shames into your pillow.

Things were looking super promising. 

Collateral damage from being at all influenced by Guy Fieri for a day or vengeance for losing sight of his mission?

Our first attempt at daikon radish fries truly set the bar for disappointment. In what was likely the penance we had to pay for not deep frying them right off the bat like the Master of DDD would have wanted, we were left with possibly the most disgusting thing I've made since I learned how to use kitchen appliances other than a microwave. Something is terribly wrong and against the laws of nature with attempting to do anything other than pickle daikon. The massive moisture present in the radish just does not handle cooking well. At least Kevin and I got to enjoy laughing at each other fighting back the desire to vomit.

Woot! Passable as food finally!

If at first you don't succeed, dust yourself off and fry again (bam, at last an Aaliyah reference in the blog). Our first oil based remedy made the fries somewhat better but still mutant-like in both taste and texture. We knew what we had to do. We simply masked the problem with lots of fried batter! As we felt immense pride in having this cooking adventure finally get a passing grade, we knew this still wasn't something we actually wanted to eat large amounts of. Fortunately, we still had plenty of jalapeno around for some quality Texas Sticks to turn this into even more of a fusion meal.

Oh, jalapenos, I can always count on you.

Jerk Burgers with Grilled Pineapple and Yucca Fries

This doesn't even come close to describing how incredible the burger was (and it's a tasty looking pic).

In my never-ending quest to become a full fledged adult male, there are still certain tasks I need to master. While I may be an expert at the art of drinking a beer after a long day of work and lounging around in a white t-shirt and boxers on a recliner, I still need some guidance in things like grilling and changing the oil in a car. Following a long post vacation week back at work, I figured it would be a great time to pick Kevin's brain again for at least more answers on how to man a grill (since my gut tells me oil comically pouring all over my face like sitcoms have taught me will happen just wasn't going to serve as dinner).

Starting with our Texas Burgers, Kevin and I have come to understand that our destiny is to make the world's juiciest, most ridiculously over-thought burgers. Friday, we continued chasing that dream with an assist from Tovy and a hastily thrown together vision of a Jamaican burger paradise that was somehow executed to perfection.

Jerk Sauce
Adapted from About
Servings: 11/2 cups
Time: 15 minutes

1/4 cup ground Jamaican allspice
1/4 cup packed brown sugar
6 garlic cloves
3-4 Scotch bonnet peppers, seeded and cored (use gloves)
1 tbsp thyme leaves
1 bunch green onions, chopped
1 tsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp nutmeg
1 tbsp soy sauce
8-10 oz Red Stripe 
Juice of 1/2 to 1 lime
Salt and Pepper to taste

Until I figure out how to create a scratch and sniff blog, you will just have to trust me that the spicy, tasty sauce was much better than being just blandly brown looking.

1. Convince your eager to contribute friend, Tovy, to chop the peppers.
2. Assert your manliness in front of your friends by saying you'll try the Scotch bonnet pepper to see how spicy it is. Do not show weakness.
3. Liquify all the ingredients together in a blender.
4. Realize it's gritty thanks to the allspice. 
5. Attempt and fail to strain it. 
6. Resign yourself to the fact that you're gonna use this for basting and not as a straight up sauce (plus it's way too liquidy anyway).

In case it wasn't painfully obvious from the instructions, I initially envisioned the jerk sauce as a condiment for our burgers, but settling for using it for basting proved surprisingly effective. Like any good caribbean inspired cooking, it had a nice balance of spicy with a little bit of sweet. It was a powerful yet delicate combination of spices (and beer) that enhanced the rest of our meal without overwhelming it.

Jerk Burgers

Servings: 3-4 Burgers (only limited by amount of beef)

Time: 30 minutes

Guess the most important ingredient

1 lb ground beef (we used 85/15 grass-fed)

Buns

1 Pineapple, sliced and cored

1/2 white onion, diced

1 orange bell pepper, diced

1 yellow bell pepper, diced

3 jalapenos, seeded and diced

Lime

Pepper jack cheese

Jerk Sauce (see above)

Salt and Pepper to taste

Well packed, but not overly so with colorful veggies

1. Form 3-4 patties by combining the meat with onion, bell pepper and jalapenos. Be careful not to overdo it on the fillings or the burgers will lose all structural integrity. Season with salt and pepper. Reserve the extra veggies.
2. Wrap the veggies tightly in aluminum foil with some jerk sauce. Let steam on the grill for about 15 minutes until super fragrant and soft.
3. Grill the pineapple until there are nice grill marks (about 3-5 minutes per side).
4. Lime everything up! Rub the grill with half a lime then put lime juice on top of our patties. 
5. Grill the patties for about 4-5 minutes per side for a juicy medium. Brush with the jerk sauce about twice per side. Finish off with some cheese for the final couple of minutes.
6. Top grilled buns with a patty, a pineapple slice and your steamed jerk veggies.
7. Declare success.

   
   

   The unflipped pineapple was ostracized and brutally discriminated against.

   Let's be honest this entire night was really just an excuse to grill pineapple. Plus, it served as my first ever attempt to pick out the most succulent, ripe pineapple in a store and proudly butcher it. 

Kevin brilliantly saved our lack of sauce with his steamed jerk "salsa".

Super poorly lit basting pics are probably the world's next "selfie".

These burgers can best be described as having endless layers of juiciness. The burgers themselves, were expertly grilled to a nice medium that was bolstered up even more by beautiful inner workings of veggies and the lime and jerk sauce infusion. Spice from the basting and pepper jack cheese was countered by the sweet pineapple and topped with a little kick from our makeshift salsa, proving that jerk seasoning is not just reserved for chicken.

Like any proper burger, it was difficult to hold in one hand (especially when they are somewhat small and girly like mine)

Yucca Fries

Time: 30 minutes

2 or so lbs of Yucca

Oil for frying (we used peanut)

Salt and Pepper to taste

Transforming the yucca from odd (not at all phallically shaped), wax covered super starch into tender strips ready for frying.

1. Preheat the oven to 200 F.
2. Peel the yucca and chop it into your preferred fry shape and size (although I doubt curly will work here). Remove any excess stringy material.
3. Boil the yucca in water with a little oil and salt until tender (about 10-15 minutes). Drain well and let cool.
4. Get a large pot ~half filled with oil to 370 F. Fry for 5-7 minutes per batch turning occasionally.
5. Remove the fries to a plate lined with paper towels to get rid of excess oil. 
6. Toss with salt and pepper on a baking sheet and transfer to the oven to keep warm.

The yucca is now incognito and surprisingly delicious.

To keep with our island theme, I wanted something to sub in for our usual fries or tater totty goodness. The even starchier yucca was the ultimate choice, narrowly beating out jicama due to the store not having any. The tender, boiled yucca had us worried, but once fried, it crisped up nicely while maintaining its inner softness, yielding a welcome replacement to standard every day potatoes.

Luckily for Kevin and Tovy (and our already elevated cholesterol), I witheld the urge to put a fried egg under the pineapple.

Together, we three combined our man powers of chopping, grilling and drinking beer (which oddly enough was the original way to summon Captain Planet) for the perfect way to celebrate a hard earned weekend. Fortunately, the search for the world's greatest burger is a Sisyphean task that will keep us occupied for many a weekend grilling to come.

Mom's Diner: Chili Cheese Fries

Sadly, my mom did not acquire a Bob's Big Boy suit for me to take proper pictures. Sigh, I thought she loved me.

I recently took a road trip back home to Louisiana to see my parents and some friends. Naturally, a team-up with the first person whose cooking I ever enjoyed was in order, putting an interesting spin on my usual hibernation pattern of eating lots and sleeping for 12 hours at a time that usually occurs when back home. My mom was anxious to show off her new diner themed kitchen (and to finally cook with me where I'm actually contributing instead of sitting there and snacking). Since, like me, my mother doesn't understand self-control (there's probably something about an apple pie and a tree to be said about that), four amazing calorie-filled dishes were born. Chili Cheese Fries, Fried Peanut Butter and Banana Sandwiches, Apple Pie and Cajun Eggs Benedict helped my mom assert that if she brought me into this world, she could sure as hell take me out of it with heart disease.

My parents enjoy their new diner kitchen (and the alcohol in those mimosas). 

Chili Cheese Fries
Adapted from Rachel Ray
Servings: 4
Time: 45 minutes

Add caption

4 large Idaho potatoes, cut lengthwise into 6 wedges
2 tbsp grill seasoning
2 tbsp plus 1/4 cup extra-virgin olive oil, divided

Chili
2 1/2 lbs lean ground sirloin
1 large onion, diced
4 cloves of garlic, minced
2 tbsp chili powder
2 tsp ground cumin
Salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste

Butter would become a theme of the weekend

1 can Rotel tomato sauce
1 can regular Rotel (with diced tomatoes and green chilies)
2 tbsp Worcestershire sauce
1 bottle dark beer (we used Abita Amber)

Cheese Sauce
3 tbsp butter
3 tbsp flour
2 tbsp yellow mustard
1 cup milk
1 cup chicken stock
2 cups shredded sharp cheddar cheese

After quite some time, we finally had chili with the proper thickness.

Cheese sauce: nuff said

1. Preheat the oven to 450 F.
2. Place the potato wedges on a baking sheet. Drizzle them with olive oil and toss to coat.
3. Bake in the oven until crispy golden brown (approximately 40 minutes), turning once halfway through.
4. While waiting for the fries, start your chili by heating 2 tbsp olive oil in a large pot. Add the ground sirloin and cook until browned. Make sure you break the meat into small pieces.
5. Push the meat to the side and add the onion, garlic, chili powder and cumin. Sauté until the onion and garlic softens (about 6 minutes) then season with salt and pepper.
6. Stir in the tomato sauce and Rotel. Continue cooking for about a minute or until a sweet smell and slight carmelization occur. 
7. Pour in the beer and Worcestershire sauce and let simmer until well thickened.
8. Melt the butter in a separate pot. Sprinkle in the flour and cook for a minute. 
9. Mix in the mustard. Then whisk in the milk and stock until thickened. 
10. Remove the pot from heat and stir in the cheese.
11. Top your fries with the chili and cheese sauce and enjoy.

You can practically see the calories.

First, I'd like to point out (as my mother did so many times) that the fries are actually baked, so they're not that bad for you (also, since the cheese is in sauce form, the same surely applies). This was quintessential diner food at its best. The fries had a nice crispness to them that was perfectly complimented by the hearty chili and gooey cheese sauce for some unbelievable salty goodness. The chili was so good that it would've worked fine on its own, but the slight hint of mustard from the cheese sauce really brought things to another level. This messy dish had us off to a nearly flawless start, but the best was yet to come. Stay tuned for more whacky adventures at Mom's diner (think the Pumpkin and Honey Bunny scene from Pulp Fiction).