Dr. Pepper Braised Brisket Tacos

If not for the 10 hours worth of cooking time and my desire to be extremely lazy Saturday morning (read: I didn't want to put on pants to go to the store), this would have been my 200th post. I continued my weekend of delicious cooking with what was quite possibly the best slow cooker recipe I have ever tasted.  At last, I was able to combine my love of Dr. Pepper with my love of meat in one beautiful, tacoey union.

To me, you are perfect.

Dr. Pepper Braised Brisket Tacos
Adapted from Cooking Haven
Servings: 15+ tacos
Time: 10 hours (in a slow cooker for 9 of those)

Aye, there's the rub.

3 lbs beef brisket
1 tbsp paprika
1 tbsp dried chipotle powder
1 tbsp cumin
1tbsp salt
2 tsp black pepper
2 1/2 tsp garlic powder
3 tbsp canola oil
16 oz Dr. Pepper (I used fancy Dublin ones)
1/4 cup apple cider vinegar
3 tbsp molasses
2/3 onion, diced
1 14 oz can diced tomatoes (I used fire-roasted)
1/2 cup jalapeno pepper jelly
2-4 cups beef stock, as necessary
Tortillas
Jalapenos, sliced
Avocado, sliced
Cilantro
Pickled onions (see recipe below)
Salsa

Silly brisket, you can't escape.

1. Make your rub by mixing the paprika, chipotle powder, cumin, salt, black pepper and garlic powder together in a bowl. Apply the rub generously to both sides of the brisket.
2. Get oil in a skillet hot over medium heat. Once hot, sear the brisket for about 4-5 minutes per side until it starts to brown. Remove.
3. Mix the Dr. Pepper, vinegar, molasses, diced onions, tomatoes and pepper jelly well in a slow cooker. Add the brisket in and top with beef stock until just submerged.
4. Cook covered on low for 8-9 hours.
5. Spend your day being incredibly lazy to make up for the 30 minutes of effort you just put in.
6. Remove the brisket from the liquid and let cool. Once cooled enough, pull with two forks.
7. Transfer the liquid to a pot and reduce over medium-high heat to about half the volume. You're gonna have plenty of time to do this because it takes a while to pull all that brisket.
8. Recombine the reduced liquid with the pulled brisket and warm over medium-low heat.
9. Use a slotted spoon to serve the brisket and remove excess liquid (it's still going to be ridiculously juicy and worthy of 3+ napkins). Fill tortillas with the brisket and top with jalapenos, avocado, cilantro, pickled onions and salsa.
10. Sit and eat in silence aside from "mmm" because everyone is busy stuffing their faces and calculating how much they could eat without feeling shame.

Fancy camera captures the awesome fresh out of the slow cooker steaming brisket.

Originally, this recipe called for root beer, but I have a special place in my heart for Dr. Pepper. Back in college, I used to keep a case of it in my room at all times (and I kept my room at 50 degrees, so I wouldn't have to refrigerate it because we were going to get the most out of our tuition paying the dorm's power bills). I don't often find myself drinking soda anymore, but I make time every now and then for Dr. Pepper (especially if it's the pure cane sugar Dublin variety in a fancy glass bottle).

Kevin's pulling skills are unmatched. Plus, it's a great forearm workout. 

The brisket itself smelled and looked excellent. It had that distinct brisket flavor that makes it the state meat of Texas, but it really excelled when it made its most joyous reunion with the reduced Dr. Pepper braising liquid. The chipotle powder infused rub, fire roasted tomatoes and molasses helped reconcile the brisket's BBQ origins with its current Tex-Mex use.

HEB fresh made tortillas are the way to go if you're in Texas.

The absolutely succulent Dr. Pepper brisket was the perfect taco filling. Its unbelievable melt in your mouth tenderness was kicked up even further with the creamy avocado, crunchy and spicy jalapeno and the perfectly pickled onions to make one of the greatest tacos I have ever eaten (and after 6 years of living in Texas, that's saying something). Nancy, Kevin and I sat at the table stuffed and contemplating justification for another. Fortunately, we all managed to stop at 3.

You can see how juicy it is. Note: your plate and hands will be covered by the time you're done savoring each and every bite.

Pickled Onions

Adapted from Inspired Taste

Servings: 2 onions worth (so a lot)

Time: 1 hour (inactive for 50 minutes)

2 red onions

1 cup apple cider vinegar

1/2 cup lime juice

1/4 cup sugar

1 tbsp salt

Boring, unassuming red onions just waiting to be brined.

1. Slice your onions into thin strips and place in a bowl or pot with handles.
2. Bring a separate pot of water to a boil.
3. Cover the onions in boiling water for 10 seconds then drain into a colander and set aside in another bowl.
4. Heat the apple cider vinegar, lime juice, sugar and salt together until dissolved. 
5. Brine the onions in the acidic mix and let come to room temperature. 
6. Strain and serve. You should reserve the brine if you want to store for later use.

Pickled red onions turn such a pretty color.

I spent about as much time searching for pickled onions at the store as I did making them. Pickling is an incredibly easy process that produced quick, vibrant results. Note: only use these pickled onions with your tacos. By themselves, they are far too vinegary, but that aspect of them works quite well with the brisket.

From pickling onions to finding the greatest use for Dr. Pepper ever, it was an incredibly productive yet also lazy (thanks slow cooker!) Sunday. It was the perfect finish to a fantastic weekend of tasty adventures.

The 200th Post Bonanza: Brinner of the Gods

Two hundred posts, over 25 thousand views, and about 10 lbs or so have now passed since I started this blog looking for something else to do aside from watching The Price is Right and Food Network on my sister's couch.  What began as simple vegetarian dinners has morphed in to complex baking and grilling adventures (and finally the ability to handle raw meat!). Since I now have my own kitchen to make a mess of, I thought it was only fitting to go back to my roots of destroying other people's kitchens for the big 2-0-0 (and I'm writing this while binging on Food Network for added nostalgia).

Tofu Kale Lasagna: the post that started it all. It looks like it's trying to tell me something.

Since Kevin is always game for a night of cooking, he was the perfect mark. Given our culinary natures, there was no way we were going to just make one simple thing. Oh, no. My bicentennial (Does that work when you're not talking about an anniversary? It's my blog, and I'll do what I want!) cooking adventure was going to be easily the most complex and far-reaching one yet. What would have normally been three separate posts will be combined into one massive blowout to commemorate this historic self-indulgent occasion.

The most important and fancy meal of all, brinner, served as the backdrop for our night of excess. Over five hours of cooking and dozens of judging looks from our friend Charlotte (we're not used to having people around to witness how ridiculous we get during our escapades) culminated in Southwestern Omelette "Sushi", Biscuit Smoked Salmon Eggs Benedict, Chicken & Waffles, Mojitos and Mimosas.

Southwestern Omelette "Sushi"

The best part about cooking at Kevin's- his fancy camera comes along for the ride. Somehow, this looked surprisingly like sushi. 

Inspired by Serious Eats
Servings: 9 pieces
Time: A lot longer than you'd think but totally worth it

Why stop there when you can wrap it in bacon?

12+ pieces of bacon
3 eggs scrambled with a tiny bit of milk
Olive oil
1 green bell pepper, chopped
1 sweet onion, chopped
2 jalapenos, seeded and chopped
2 cloves of garlic, minced
Cheddar Cheese
1 package frozen hash browns
1 package Jimmy Dean ground sausage
Cilantro
Salsa

The stages of a bacon roll. Note: we had to reduce the amount of filling to half as we were unable to force it shut initially.

So much tasty filling

1. Preheat your oven to 425 F.
2. Make a bacon weave (pictured above). Bake on a cookie sheet with aluminum foil in the oven until almost crispy but not quite done.
3. While the bacon is cooking, cook your scrambled eggs. Set aside.
4. Sautée the bell pepper, onion, jalapeno and garlic in olive oil over medium heat until the onions become soft and translucent (about 7-10 minutes). Set aside.
5. Cook the hash browns in a little olive oil until browned and cooked through.
6. Remove the bacon from the oven and dispose of the aluminum foil to get rid of the grease.
7. Layer your roll as so: a full layer of cheddar, topped with half layers (or you won't be able to roll it shut) of hash browns, scrambled eggs, veggies, sausage and finally more cheese. Close your roll.
8. Broil in the oven until slightly crispy (about 3-5 minutes).
9. Cut into tiny rolls while trying not to burn yourself on the bacon grease.
10. Serve with salsa, cilantro and mojitos.

Don't forget the salsa for added spice and juiciness to balance the crispy bacon.

Originally we wanted an entire evening of brinner "sushi", but, as you will see from the other posts, that didn't work out. Our sole faux sushi entry, however, just may have been the best dish of the evening. Everything I love about omelets managed to shine through and even stand up to the world's most amazing invention- the bacon weave. It's a good thing that this was round 1 because we still had enough room in our stomachs to completely finish the roll. Just thinking about that crispy bacon surrounding gooey cheese, spicy eggs and sausage is making my mouth water. And to think, I originally told Kevin the sausage was going to be too much.

Mojitos
From Kevin's Mind

Juice of half a lime
Lime wedge
8-10 mint leaves
1 tsp sugar
1-2 shots of clear rum
Club soda to dilution

Muddled is a word that isn't used nearly enough.

1. Squeeze the lime juice into a glass. Add mint leaves and sugar. Muddle.
2. Mix in the rum and club soda to proper strength. 
3. Garnish with a lime wedge and serve.

Kevin has been perfecting his mojitos for two years now in an effort to permanently carve out a spot in my Cuban heart, and they really do just keep getting better and better. The sweetness combined with the lime and mint provides one of the most refreshing adult beverages around.

Biscuit Smoked Salmon Eggs Benedict

This was after about 20 tweaks to the dish. We may have allowed it to cool...

Adapted from All Recipes and Food Network

Servings: 12 biscuits then just however many eggs you are willing to poach

Time: 45 minutes

Artistic chopping

Biscuits

2 cups all-purpose flour

1 tbsp baking powder

1 tsp salt

1 tbsp white sugar

1/3 cup shortening

2/3 cup milk

1/3 cup orange juice

Cucumber, sliced thinly

Smoked salmon

Poached Eggs

Asparagus, chopped
Green onions, thinly sliced

Hollandaise

3 large egg yolks

1 1/2 tsp lemon juice

Pinch cayenne Pepper

1/4 cup unsalted butter, melted

1/2 tsp kosher salt

Sriracha to taste

Deceptively simple yet delicious

1. Preheat the oven to 425 F.
2. Whisk together the flour, baking powder, salt and sugar.
3. Cut in the shortening until it looks like coarse meal.
4. Slowly stir in the milk and orange juice until the dough comes together. If the dough is too sticky, add a little more flour until it is workable.
5. Knead the dough ~ 15-20 times and roll out into a rectangle.  Cut the biscuits as desired.
6. Bake for 13-15 minutes on a baking sheet. Brush with melted butter about halfway through.
7. Sautée the asparagus in olive oil until they become a more colorful green and soften.
8. When the biscuits have cooled, hollow out the inside (but leave the bottom alone) so that it can fit your cucumber slice. 
9. Make your hollandaise by mixing the egg yolks, lemon juice, cayenne, salt and sriracha together in a blender until well combined. Then gradually pour in the melted butter while running the blender to make the sauce frothy. 
10. Top your biscuit/cucumber combo with smoked salmon, a poached egg, asparagus, scallions, a pinch of cayenne and a drizzle of Hollandaise sauce. Enjoy with a mimosa.

Damn you, drooping asparagus! This would've been a perfect picture showcasing the complex inner machinations of the biscuit eggs benedict.

Of our final two courses, this was the one that came the closest to our initial "sushi" dreams. The biscuit initially seemed a little too dense and simple, but it actually worked beautifully (and was amazing on its buttery own). All the layers played together nicely, as the cucumber added a freshness and crispness to the smokey smooth salmon and creamy, decadent poached egg. Meanwhile the ridiculously easy blender Hollandaise provided a hearty sriracha kick and further buttery goodness that was complimented by the texture and color providing asparagus and scallions. There was only one downfall of this dish. Kevin and I spent so much time working on making it pretty and taking pictures that it had time to cool down. Just make sure you eat it as soon as the poached egg is done, and you'll be set.

Charlotte's Super Secret Mimosa Family Recipe

Champagne

Orange Juice

Skillz

1. Look at Terry funny because he asked you to make mimosas when you brought beer.
2. Pour the champagne into a glass with orange juice in a 2:1 or so ratio (on the alcoholic side).
3. Drink.

Charlotte had two jobs aside from showering us with compliments about our cooking. She was the chief structural engineer checking Kevin's bacon weave (see above), and she was in charge of making mimosas to help our evening achieve maximum fancitude. Somehow she managed to overcome the extreme pressures of both of these important duties and provided us with wonderful mimosas (and found like 20 mistakes in Kevin's weaving). As such, she will be able to continue eating our food and judging us in the future.

Chicken and Waffles

Be careful not to get too drawn in by the delicious looking waffles. Paul Deen will swallow your soul!

Adapted from All Recipes and our usual Beer Batter

Servings: Far more than you can eat after the rest of Brinner of the Gods (or like 6 normal)

Time: 30 minutes

After 10 months, I returned Kevin's waffle iron.

Waffles

3 eggs

3/4 cup granulated sugar

1/2 cup butter, melted

1 3/4 cups all-purpose flour

2 tsp baking powder

Syrup

Creepy looking Paula Deen Sauce

Chicken

1 cup flour

10-12 oz beer (we used Newcastle Cabbie Black Ale)

Sriracha

Black Pepper

Cayenne

Salt

Cajun Seasoning

Chicken breast, cut into nuggets

Peanut oil for frying

After all the previous food, we needed something fried.

1. Preheat the oven to 200 F.
2. Mix the waffle batter together by whisking the eggs, sugar, melted butter, flour and baking powder together in a large bowl. Set aside.
3. Heat the peanut oil to 370 F. Make sure you leave extra room in your pan to avoid hot oil splashing.
4. Mix the beer batter together for the fried chicken by whisking the flour, beer, Sriracha, black pepper, cayenne, salt and cajun seasoning together in a large bowl.
5. Dredge your chicken in the beer batter (be careful not to mix up the two batters) and fry for about 5 minutes in the peanut oil. Remove with a slotted spatula and let some of the excess grease come off a plate covered in paper towels. Transfer to a baking sheet and keep warm in the oven until the waffles are done.
6. Make the waffles in a waffle iron at a high but not quite the highest setting. Spray the iron first to prevent sticking then add your batter and spread it out as thinly as you can (but be warned it is a thick batter). Cook for about 2-3 minutes each until the bottom becomes crisp and the top begins to firm.
7. Cut the waffles into strips and serve with the chicken, sriracha, syrup, creepy Paula Deen sauce (we used chipotle raspberry) and mimosas or mojitos.

I'm sad we couldn't get an action shot of syrup splashing everywhere like in a Chili's ad.

This wasn't my first foray into the exciting world of chicken and waffles (see here), but it was by far my most successful. The waffles were actually from a pizzelle recipe, meaning they were heavy on the sugar and butter. That combo actually worked amazingly well on its own, but it was especially fantastic with the contrasting savory and spicy beer battered chicken. Speaking of our fried poultry, our frequently used batter again provided just the right flavors and kick of spice, but it was just a tad too airy, proving it is best for its normally intended tempura or onion rings. Combine that with rich syrup and a little sriracha, and you have the best dipping combo this side of chips and guac. Unfortunately, this was the final course, so it was woefully neglected due to all of us having contracted food babies.

After all this time, this is still an accurate description of how I feel about cooking and this blog. Seen originally in my early Kimchi Fried Rice.

I could not have thought of a better way to celebrate my 200th post than this night which truly epitomized my view of cooking shenanigans. Don't worry faithful readers (and by that, I of course mean my mother), I won't rest on my laurels and past semi-success. Stay tuned for post 1 of my next 200- Dr. Pepper Braised Brisket Tacos.

The future is looking bright.

Southwestern Couscous

After some recent long days at work, Kevin and I decided to celebrate his Spring Break with a night of being manly by grilling steak and drinking beers. We thought it'd probably be best to cut all the red meat with a side featuring colorful, healthy things, so we came up with the idea of making a Southwestern couscous (after several minutes of me trying to remember the difference between couscous and quinoa).

Southwestern Couscous
Adapted from All Recipes
Servings: 8 (or more realistically 4 as you will eat a lot)
Time: 30 minutes

1 1/2 cups uncooked couscous
2 1/2 cups chicken broth
Juice of half a lime
1 tsp red wine vinegar
1/2 red onion, diced
1 orange bell pepper, chopped
1/4 cup cilantro, chopped
2 avocados, chopped
2 jalapenos, seeded and diced
1 can black beans, drained
10-15 cherry tomatoes, quartered
Ground cumin to taste
Cajun seasoning to taste

And this is how I remembered what all the ingredients we put in were.

1. Make the couscous according to the instructions (usually simmer the couscous in the chicken broth for 10 or so minutes until all the liquid is absorbed then set aside to cool).
2. Mix all the ingredients together in a large bowl with the couscous.
3. Eat large amounts paired with delightful grilling.

   
   

   Our couscous went nicely with Kevin's masterfully grilled filet, but I would've gladly just eaten bowl after bowl of the Southwestern side. The picture is made extra manly by the dirt bike in the background.

   There really is nothing quite like ending a long day by grilling outside with a beer. The filets were perfectly medium rare and only required a simple sprinkling of coarse salt and pepper, but the couscous stole the show from our expensive entree. All the various components that helped morph standard couscous into an amazing Southwestern dish came together magnificently. Special recognition goes to the creamy avocado and juicy cherry tomatoes that really helped make this a memorable side that will surely become a staple for us.

The night was made even more delicious by the surprise discovery of large bottles of Ruby Redbird well before its usual summer season.

Coming up next: The Massive 200th Post: Brinner of the Gods!

Remembering Harold Ramis: Twinkies of Psychokinetic Energy & Ecto Cooler

When your dessert isn't pretty, you should at least help it out by cutting it with a knife... or shrinking it thanks to combining it with a picture of the greatest twinkie scientist ever.

When I was a kid, Egon Spengler was my hero. He was without a doubt the greatest Ghostbuster in all the land. Despite all the fancy PhDs around, everyone knew he was the brains behind the operation (and the awesome proton packs). To put it simply, he was everything my bespectacled young self wanted to be when I grew up (plus I was pretty sure there was at least an 80% chance I'd end up looking like him). As I got older, I realized it wasn't just Egon who I was a massive fan of, but the man behind the glasses, Harold Ramis. From Caddyshack to Stripes and Groundhog Day, the comedic genius excelled both in front of and behind the camera and shaped several generations' senses of humor.

Doe. Ray. Egon!

I may not have ended up looking exactly like Egon (thanks facial hair and changing glasses trends!), but I definitely still strive to be even half the fake scientist he was (maybe if I drilled a hole in my head...). My immediate reaction to seeing my Facebook feed flooded with Ghostbusters pictures was "Dear God, don't be Egon!", but after calming down, I knew I had to honor him the best way I knew how- with delicious foodstuffs.

Now presenting The Twinkie of Psychokinetic Energy & Refreshing Ecto Cooler!

Pretty much all science can be explained with twinkies if you're enough of a bad ass.

The Twinkie of Psychokinetic Energy

Adapted from The Brown Eyed Baker & All Recipes
Servings: About 8 oddly shaped twinkies
Time: 60 minutes

Pudding batter!

Cake
1 16 oz. box pound cake mix
4 egg whites
2/3 cup water
Half package instant vanilla pudding (about 2.5 oz)

Filling
1/2 cup butter, softened
1 8 oz package cream cheese, softened
1-3 cups confectioners' sugar, sifted
1 8 ox container cool whip, thawed
A healthy spoonful of marshmallow fluff
1 tbsp vanilla extract

I was so hopeful that the molds had worked out given how they looked before removal.

1. Preheat the oven to 325 F.
2. Beat the egg whites with an electric mixer fitted with the whisk attachment at high speed until stiff peaks form. Set aside.
3. Combine the pound cake mix, water and instant vanilla pudding together at medium speed with the paddle attachment until just incorporated into a batter.
4. Gently fold in the egg whites.
5. If you're fancy, put your batter about 1/2 to 2/3 of the way full into a cream canoe or mini loaf pan. If you're not, MacGyver some molds. Do this by folding a 12" square piece of aluminum foil twice and then rolling it around a spice bottle until you have somewhat of a twinkie shape. Spray with non-stick cooking spray and evenly distribute your batter. Pack the molds together in a large baking pan.
6. Bake for 30 minutes or until the cakes are become golden and stand up to the tried and true toothpick test.
7. While the cake is baking, make the filling by beating all the ingredients together in a stand mixer with the whisk until somewhat smooth (it doesn't need to be too pretty since it'll be hidden). Be sure to scrap often with a spatula because that marshmallow fluff isn't gonna make this easy.
8. Carefully remove the cakes from their molds and let cool on wire racks.
9. Once the cakes are completely cooled, create openings 3-4 in the bottoms of each (if yours are pretty enough to determine what the bottom is) by wiggling a toothpick around. Then add the filling using a piping bag with a large opening decorating tip (this is key, or it will not come out at all). Fill until almost, but not quite bursting.
10. Enjoy the single tastiest twinkie you've ever had and be glad that your taste buds aren't superficial.

Once you determine which horribly mangled side is the bottom, fill away!

The twinkies definitely weren't pretty (splurge and get a fancy pan for them), but they were surprisingly the tastiest ones I had ever had. I'm normally not a huge fan of pound cake, but the added pudding mix really took the fantastically bouncy cake to another level. My only recommendation would be to make sure your twinkies are bursting with as much psychokinetic energy as possible because the marshmallow, cream cheese, whipped cream and sugar combo is perfect for making you wish any dessert was "35 feet long, weighing approximately 600 pounds".

Ecto Cooler

Adapted from Nerdist

Servings: 1 gallon of sugar juice

Time: 5 minutes

2 cups pulp-free orange juice

2 packets orange kool-aid

1 healthy spoonful Country Time powdered lemonade mix
1 3/4 cup sugar

Blue and green food coloring

Water to fill

Note: you can replace half of all orange with tangerine juice/powder

 I bought a fancy pitcher just for this. I'm so glad it could properly showcase the ecto cooler beauty...

1. Mix all the ingredients together in a 1 gallon pitcher. 
2. Fill to near the top with water.
3. Stir well.
4. Let sit in your fridge for over a week until even your freezer smells like delightful fruit candy.

If you can name what color it is, then you didn't do it right.

I never thought Ecto Cooler was the finest Hi-C flavor growing up, but, dammit, I drank a lot of it because Slimer was on the cover and we all know cartoons give the best nutritional advice. The concoction of indeterminate color was everything my sugar addled brain remembers from my youth. A strong orangey hit is just enough to make you forget that its basically pure sugar. I highly recommend turning this into mimosas for full circle enjoyment as an adult.

"This magnificent feast here represents the last of the petty cash."

Since my guests probably would've left if I only gave them sugar cakes with diabetes juice to wash it down, our massive feast was rounded out in to a full blown meal. Laura provided her guacamole that made me ask "Are you a God?", and Danielle put my deformed twinkies to shame with her delicious Pinterest-worthy Stay Puft Marshmallow men (and a bag of exploded ones to make me feel better). Maconda and Sacha supplied Chinese takeout (aka late night Ghostbuster fuel), and Megan brought baby shower cupcakes all the way from College Station to help give everything a slightly creepy paranormal feel.

Homemade goodness. Danielle's Stay Puft Marshmallow Men win prettiest honors, but Laura's guac (in honor of Slimer) always wins tastiest (until I hate myself for ingesting the entire tub).

A Ghostbusters meal wouldn't be complete without Chinese takeout. We also had a special guest appearance by baby (Oscar) shower cupcakes all the way from College Station compliments of Megan.

This definitely was a glorious Sunday afternoon worthy of the brilliant stranger who has somehow influenced me since I was three. One final time: Here's to the man who taught me that it was ok to be a nerd with a strange sense of humor and that twinkies were an essential scientific unit of measurement!

Even this painting isn't enough to pay proper tribute to Harold Ramis, but having something like this with my future family in it is a life goal.

And now, I leave you with the wisdom of the world's greatest slacker/smart-ass: Russell Ziskey. May we all have a teacher that dedicated in our lives.

Cowboy Burgers, Shiner Onion Rings and the Great Hot Sauce Taste Test of '14

There's one food that unites both young and old, rich and poor- the almighty burger. Following the amazingness that was last week's Super Sushi Saturday, Kevin and I decided we needed to honor the world's most perfect meat based dish and our Texas sensibilities.

Burgers, extravagant amounts of fried food, mouth numbing hot sauce and the comedic genius of Stripes meant we were in for one hell of a Saturday night (I may have typed Friday accidentally because I was that tired from the week itself).

Cowboy Burgers
Servings: 3-4 burgers
Time: 20 mintutes

1 lb ground beef (we went 80/20 Angus)
3-4 slices cheddar, cut up additional
1/4 onion, diced
2-3 jalapenos, diced
Garlic powder
Salt and pepper to taste
Bacon, pan-fried
Toasted buns
Shiner Onion rings (see below)
BBQ sauce

Orderly chaos in one magnificent burger patty. 

1. Mix the ground beef, cut up cheddar, diced onion, jalapeno, garlic powder, salt and pepper together in a large bowl. Form into 3-4 patties (we're making cowboy burgers so go big!).
2. Grill the burgers to a nice medium rare (3-4 minutes per side, flipping only once).
3. Top with bacon, more cheddar, onion rings (and potentially fried jalapenos) and BBQ sauce.

Drool. Drool. Drool. Drool. Drool. Drool  (Hey why doesn't my keyboard work anycocdodkdodk?) 

The Cowboy Burger is the ultimate burger. During my brief tenure as a sad, homesick grad student at UCLA, the Bomb Shelter's Cowboy Burgers kept me going (well that and the amazingly beautiful campus). It harkens back to our childhood tastes which tell us that putting crispy things on top of food (a la potato chips or French fries) is the ultimate in culinary achievement. Add in the tangy BBQ sauce, Kevin's masterfully, always medium rare perfection burgers, crispy juicy bacon, and (un)healthy doses of cheddar, jalapeno and onion, and you just might have the single best thing you can fit in your hand.

While crazy stuffed, I still think we need to make it a two-hander for proper Cowboyness.

Shiner Onion Rings (and other fried goodness)

Servings: A surprising amount

Time: 20 minutes

1 cup flour

10 oz Shiner (drink the final two ounces because Cowboys are not wasteful)

Sriracha

Black Pepper

Cayenne

Salt

1 yellow onion, cut into rings and separated

Jalapenos cut into strips

Potatoes rinsed, dried and cut into strips

Tony Chachere's Seasoning

Peanut oil (or other if, you know, allergies)

We bought 3 onions. This is what you get after just one. Excess achieved!

1. Preheat the oven to 200 F.
2. Whisk the flour, Shiner, sriracha, black pepper, cayenne and salt together in a large bowl.
3. Fill a large pot 1/3 full with the oil and heat to 370 F.
4. Lightly batter your onion rings, jalapenos and/or French fries (because just frying them without batter would be far too carb-conscious for a cowboy).
5. Drop whatever your heart desires into the super hot oil. Fry for 3-4 minutes, flipping once.
6. Remove with a slotted spatula or spoon, and place on a plate covered in paper towels to remove excess oil.
7. Sprinkle with Tony Chachere's seasoning.
8. Transfer to the oven to stay warm in between batches. 

There was a mountain of fried options. We regret nothing!

On this most glorious of food nights, I was the fry master. For the past several years, I have watched Kevin have total command of grease cooking from his wings to our recent Sapporo Tempura. At last, it was my time to shine! Since Kevin was busy manning the grill (a skill my brain needs to absorb from him soon, so I can achieve maximum manliness levels), I was working the frier to make the side dish of destiny for our burgers of transcendence (Kevin suggested this because he "works with words"). Everything from the onion rings to the jalapenos and fries were crispy and nicely seasoned, providing the ultimate sidekick to our night of being 'Murrican. Texas Forever, Street. Texas Forever.

Onion rings aren't your only frying options. Jalapenos and the burger staple, French fries, are also ripe for the beer battering and frying.

The Great Hot Sauce Taste Test of '14

My new Rogue's Gallery of hot sauces.

Recently, I decided I needed to start collecting something. Since stamps seemed too boring and American Girl dolls just seemed a little weird, I decided hot sauce should be my thing. Thanks to the beauty of online shopping, I had some of the most popular sauces from hotsauce.com and Houston's own Big Daddy Hot Sauce on the way to remind me that I make stupid decisions. Given that the packages arrived yesterday, this night of burgery goodness was perfect for our testing grounds.

The hottest of the hot.

It turns out, I made surprisingly good choices when picking my conveniently bottled peppery doom. From a pure taste perspective, Bee Sting Honey Mustard and Pickapeppa Gingery Mango provided the best deliciousness additives that were light on spice for enjoyment by anyone. Big Daddy's Amplified Heat Mean Smokin Green combined a beautiful smokiness with medium heat to really up our burgers, while CaJohn's El Chupacabra Hot Sauce, A Little Nukey and Big Daddy's Ass Burn were by far the spiciest. A Little Nukey had some nice but not overpowering heat from the get-go. Ass Burn had a fantastic spicy back end (see what I did there), but El Chupacabra made us hallucinate weird goat sucking monsters and sweat like crazy with its unrelenting assault on our mouths. Overall, the best combo of taste and heat goes to Big Daddy's High on Fire, which I love so much I'd drink it if not for my concern for my taste buds.

This was definitely a far better decision than stamps. Stay tuned for the rest of my weekend honoring Harold Ramis and the best collector of spores, molds and fungus the world has ever known with Ghostbusters and the Sunday of appreciation for the  most distinguished straight-man ever.  May he have received total consciousness.