Sunday, April 27, 2014

Fail Fries: Daikon Radish

It took everything in my power not to turn this into another GIF.
After being inspired by the cardiac culinary adventures of Guy Fieri, Kevin and I expected to have a one-way ticket to Flavortown (# 1 in deliciousness and diabetes), instead we crashed into horrible burnt vegetable flames.

Would we be forced to enjoy our Banh Mi Burgers like peasants without french fries, or could we salvage our failures and prove our true cooking worth?

Fail Fries
Servings: Less than one tall kitchen trash bag
Time: However long it takes for you to admit defeat

Daikon Radish,  peeled & cut to look like fries
Sriracha glaze (found here)
Sriracha beer batter (previously used here
Jalapenos, seeded and cut into strips

They look just like fries! I have a good feeling about this...

  1. Decide that your Banh Mi Burgers need something more exciting than traditional fries and that it should be healthier too!
  2. Oven roast some daikon in sriracha glaze according to a recipe that is about 10 minutes too long!
  3. Remove fries from the oven and pick them out from the burnt glazed areas.
  4. Gag on the extremely bitter and oddly textured fail fries.
  5. Set aside in the trash.
  6. Attempt to remedy the situation by frying them in oil. 
  7. Realize they're still crazy bitter and weird.
  8. Decide to make up your never fail beer batter to mask the horrible.
  9. Fry beer battered daikon 3-5 minutes and be overjoyed that they are now edible!
  10. Accept defeat and turn to the jalapenos you have leftover for much tastier beer batter fries.
  11. Cry the cry of a thousand shames into your pillow.
Things were looking super promising. 
Collateral damage from being at all influenced by Guy Fieri for a day or vengeance for losing sight of his mission?
Our first attempt at daikon radish fries truly set the bar for disappointment. In what was likely the penance we had to pay for not deep frying them right off the bat like the Master of DDD would have wanted, we were left with possibly the most disgusting thing I've made since I learned how to use kitchen appliances other than a microwave. Something is terribly wrong and against the laws of nature with attempting to do anything other than pickle daikon. The massive moisture present in the radish just does not handle cooking well. At least Kevin and I got to enjoy laughing at each other fighting back the desire to vomit.

Woot! Passable as food finally!
If at first you don't succeed, dust yourself off and fry again (bam, at last an Aaliyah reference in the blog). Our first oil based remedy made the fries somewhat better but still mutant-like in both taste and texture. We knew what we had to do. We simply masked the problem with lots of fried batter! As we felt immense pride in having this cooking adventure finally get a passing grade, we knew this still wasn't something we actually wanted to eat large amounts of. Fortunately, we still had plenty of jalapeno around for some quality Texas Sticks to turn this into even more of a fusion meal.

Oh, jalapenos, I can always count on you.

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