Fail Fries: Daikon Radish

It took everything in my power not to turn this into another GIF.

After being inspired by the cardiac culinary adventures of Guy Fieri, Kevin and I expected to have a one-way ticket to Flavortown (# 1 in deliciousness and diabetes), instead we crashed into horrible burnt vegetable flames.

Would we be forced to enjoy our Banh Mi Burgers like peasants without french fries, or could we salvage our failures and prove our true cooking worth?

Fail Fries
Servings: Less than one tall kitchen trash bag
Time: However long it takes for you to admit defeat

Daikon Radish,  peeled & cut to look like fries
Sriracha glaze (found here)
Sriracha beer batter (previously used here) 
Jalapenos, seeded and cut into strips

They look just like fries! I have a good feeling about this...

1. Decide that your Banh Mi Burgers need something more exciting than traditional fries and that it should be healthier too!
2. Oven roast some daikon in sriracha glaze according to a recipe that is about 10 minutes too long!
3. Remove fries from the oven and pick them out from the burnt glazed areas.
4. Gag on the extremely bitter and oddly textured fail fries.
5. Set aside in the trash.
6. Attempt to remedy the situation by frying them in oil. 
7. Realize they're still crazy bitter and weird.
8. Decide to make up your never fail beer batter to mask the horrible.
9. Fry beer battered daikon 3-5 minutes and be overjoyed that they are now edible!
10. Accept defeat and turn to the jalapenos you have leftover for much tastier beer batter fries.
11. Cry the cry of a thousand shames into your pillow.

Things were looking super promising. 

Collateral damage from being at all influenced by Guy Fieri for a day or vengeance for losing sight of his mission?

Our first attempt at daikon radish fries truly set the bar for disappointment. In what was likely the penance we had to pay for not deep frying them right off the bat like the Master of DDD would have wanted, we were left with possibly the most disgusting thing I've made since I learned how to use kitchen appliances other than a microwave. Something is terribly wrong and against the laws of nature with attempting to do anything other than pickle daikon. The massive moisture present in the radish just does not handle cooking well. At least Kevin and I got to enjoy laughing at each other fighting back the desire to vomit.

Woot! Passable as food finally!

If at first you don't succeed, dust yourself off and fry again (bam, at last an Aaliyah reference in the blog). Our first oil based remedy made the fries somewhat better but still mutant-like in both taste and texture. We knew what we had to do. We simply masked the problem with lots of fried batter! As we felt immense pride in having this cooking adventure finally get a passing grade, we knew this still wasn't something we actually wanted to eat large amounts of. Fortunately, we still had plenty of jalapeno around for some quality Texas Sticks to turn this into even more of a fusion meal.

Oh, jalapenos, I can always count on you.

Banh Mi Burgers with Pickled Carrots & Daikon and Fresh Baguette Buns

In our never-ending quest for the world's most perfect burger, Kevin and I found ourselves drawn to the powers of darkness. We could see the vivid flames of its shirt. It was a story as old as time itself. Good versus evil. Man vs. Guy Fieri.

We wanted to honor the purest of the pure chefs- Cafe TH owner and banh mi artist, Minh Nguyen with a burger befitting his Vietnamese oasis, but in doing so, would we have to embrace the Prince of Frosted Tips?

The Devil went down to Houston. He was looking for a soul to steal...

Banh Mi Burgers
Adapted from DDD
Servings: 5 Burgers
Time: 60 minutes (not counting the buns)

My first ever hand formed patties

Full Assembly
Patty
Baguette buns (recipe below)
Pickled carrots (recipe below)
Pickled daikon (recipe below)
Jalapeno, sliced
Cucumber, sliced
Cilantro
Sriracha Aioli (recipe below)

Patties
1 lb ground pork
1 lb ground beef
4-6 oz shrimp, peeled, deveined and chopped
Sriracha, salt and pepper 

So damn fishy

Marinade
3/4 cup fish sauce
12 oz wheaty beer
1/2 cup sugar
Juice of 2 limes
1 tsp pureed ginger
1 tsp turmeric
3 cloves garlic, minced
2 stalks lemongrass, thinly sliced lengthwise
2 Thai chiles, seeded and thinly sliced
Sriracha to taste
1 shallot, diced
3 sprigs Thai Basil, torn
3 Sprigs mint, torn

Fire

Sriracha Aioli
Mayo
Sriracha
Cayenne Pepper
Salt
Pepper
Garlic Powder
Jalapeno Juice
Pureed Jalapeno
Juice of 1/2 a lime

Char-grilling is key

1. Become ridiculously tired from working late.
2. Start to think that Guy Fieri is making sense and become enamored with a recipe on Diner, Drive-ins and Dives (Triple D! ::fist pump::)
3. Realize that Cafe TH does not serve dinner on Saturdays, so if you want a banh mi, you have to make it yourself. ::light bulb::
4. Form the patties by mixing together the sausage, beef, shrimp (chopped well so that the patty stays in tact), sriracha, salt and pepper. 
5. Make the marinade by mixing all the ingredients together in a large bowl.
6. In a separate bowl, whisk the aioli ingredients together until smooth. You can vary the level of spicy by changing how much mayo/ hot stuff you put in. Also, in case you're wondering where jalapeno juice comes from, after you puree your jalapenos, you can strain out the juice (5 jalapenos is like 1 1/2 tsp).
7. Get your grill hot. 
8. Dip the patties in your marinade then grill one side. Bring the patties back to the marinade and repeat.
9. Once the patties are cooked to the desired level, dip back in the marinade one final time and get a nice sear on the grill quickly.
10. Assemble your burgers by putting the patties on your fresh baguette buns and topping with banh mi staples cucumber, jalapeno, cilantro, pickled carrots and pickled daikon radish. Drizzle on the aioli and enjoy.
11. Be forever thankful that you resisted the urge to buy bowling shirts and give your hair spiky blonde highlights.

The burger was actually everything we hoped for when we began this crazy, sleep deprived journey. The char-grill from searing the marinade made the patty, and the mix of pork, beef and shrimp provided an interesting burger. We were a little worried it would be overly fatty from the pork, so we went with lean 90-10 beef. It really needs a little fattier beef, however, so be sure to step up the unhealthiness. The crunch of the cucumber, jalapapeno, pickled carrot and daikon really hit the standard banh mi notes, and the sriracha aioli added a necessary creaminess. However, in hindsight, we should've created a rich sriracha butter instead, like Minh's French Butter banh mi spread. The main problem was that when you're craving a banh mi, you really should just eat one. No matter how hard we tried with our burgers, they'd never reach the heights of a Gluttonous Ellis, Heartthrob or Zombie from TH.

The first ever animated GIF on the site (click it if it stopped playing). Coming soon: Buzzfeed's Top 10 Hottest GIFs of Terry Eating Burgers.

Pickled Carrots and Daikon Radish

Adapted from The Smitten Kitchen

Servings: Way more than you need for 5 burgers

Time: 90 minutes (inactive for 80 of that)

5 carrots, peeled and cut thinly

1 daikon radish, peeled and cut thinly

1 1/2 cups water

1 1/4 cups apple cider vinegar

1/3 cup sugar

4 garlic cloves, lightly crushed

1 1/2 tbsp dill seeds

1 1/2 tbsp salt

Bam! You're about to get pickled (Not just the worst cooking line but also the worst pickup line)!

1. Place the carrots and daikon in separate heatproof bowls
2. Bring the water, vinegar, sugar, garlic, dill seeds and salt to a bowl in a pot. Let simmer for 2 minutes
3. Pour the liquid on top of the carrots and daikon THROUGH A STRAINER (to get rid of the dill seeds).
4. Let sit for at least 90 minutes before using.

Pickley deliciousness

The pickled veggies are what set a banh mi apart from a normal sandwich. They added a crispness and acidity that the sandwich needed to go with the freshness of the cucumber, jalapeno and cilantro. Unlike my previous attempt at pickling (see Dr. Pepper Braised Brisket Tacos with Pickled Onions), these actually taste pretty solid on their own.

Baguette Buns

Adapted from Cooking Channel

Servings: 4-6 Buns

Time: 90 minutes (inactive for 60)

2 packets dry active yeast

2 tbsp honey

Warm Water

3 1/2 to 4 cups all-purpose flour, plus more for dusting

2 tsp salt

Olive Oil

3-4 ice cubes

I shall call him doughy, and he shall be mine.

1. Mix the honey, yeast and 1/2 cup warm water well. Let sit until the yeast activates and the mix foams (about 5 minutes)
2. Combine the flour and salt in a large stand mixer with a dough hook attached. Slowly add in the yeast while mixing.
3. Slowly pour in up to an additional 1 cup warm water until the dough comes together in to a workable, non-sticky ball.
4. Knead the dough on a floured surface until nicely elastic (3-6 minutes).
5. Round the dough into a ball and place in a large, lightly oiled bowl (I also turn the dough over a few times in the bowl to oil it). Cover and let rise to double the size (25-30 minutes).
6. Divide the dough into the sized buns you want. Score with diagonal cuts from a knife.
7. Cover and let rise for another 25-30 minutes to double in size again.
8. Preheat the oven to 450 F and set it up so the middle and bottom racks have shelves. Place an empty baking pan on the bottom rack.
9. Once the buns have risen, put then in the oven. Also, add the ice cubes to the pan on the bottom rack (but make sure they don't touch any windows in your oven as that temperature shock could be quite bad). This will create steam to help with generating a crust on the outside.
10. Bake for 12-15 minutes until golden brown and crispy. Let cool on wire racks.

Step one to opening a boulangerie in Paris complete

The highlight of the night was far and away the fresh baguette buns. They weren't quite as crispy as I hoped (probably from me running my oven a little low to compensate for its craziness, but throwing them on the grill helped), but they were incredibly delicious (as all freshly baked super carbs are). Despite not appearing in the ingredients, these buns were surprisingly buttery. As easy as they were to make, I'll be sure to use these again for actual baguettes some day.

You can practically tell that it's going to displace your jaw.

While the burgers proved to be quite satisfactory (if not quite reaching the Mt. Olympus of Vietnamese Sandwiches), we did experience one of our grandest fails ever. Stay tuned for the price we paid for putting our trust in Guy Fieri- our ultimate shame of Daikon Radish Fries.

Chocolate Chai Chess Pie

Our goal...

After an almost two year hiatus, the crazy pie train finally rides again! This time we’ve gone all the way to the east coast to break in our shiny new kitchen. And in honor of this momentous occasion, Terry has finally let me be a guest poster!

In my ongoing attempt to convince Terry that Charleston is the best city in the world and he should move here immediately, I knew that we should go with a Southern staple—chess pie. Our brand new house obviously deserved its own brand new pie book, so I bought Allison Kave’s First Prize Pies. Rather than a basic buttermilk or lemon chess pie, we decided to go with her chai chess pie (in honor of my brownness). We also went with the chocolate pie crust to complement the spiced filling.

Look at the awesome island we get to bake pies on! 

Chocolate Crust 

Servings: 1 double-crust 9" pie

1/2 cup whole milk
1 tbsp apple cider vinegar
12 oz. all-purpose flour (chilled)
1/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
1/4 cup sugar
1/2 tsp salt
3/4 cup (1 1/2 sticks) unsalted butter
1/4 cup rendered leaf lard (or additional butter)

1. Stir together vinegar and milk and refrigerate until ready to use
2.  On a clean flat surface (such as your new granite island!) or a shallow bowl, stir together flour, cocoa, sugar, and salt
3. Add butter (and lard if using) to the dry ingredients and cut the fat into the flour until the mixture has been reduced to pea-sized chunks
4. Spread the mixture out to expose as much surface area as possible, and drizzle half of the milk mixture over the flour
5.  Lightly toss the flour over the liquid, and then spread mixture out and repeat with remaining milk
6.  Cover dough tightly in plastic wrap and refrigerate it for at least 1 hour

Not the prettiest crust, but it does the job

Your goal is to have dough that will just hold together when pressed against the side of a bowl. We needed to add a few more splashes of milk to get the correct consistency. We’re also terrible at reading directions, and were confused when we had enough dough for two pies…

Filling

Ground spices 

Servings: 1- 9" pie

4 large eggs
3/4 cup sugar
1/4 cup chai tea mixture (we used tea powder, cinnamon, cloves, cardamom, allspice, orange peel and white pepper)
2 tbsp unbleached all-purpose flour
2 tbsp unsalted butter, melted
1/4 tsp salt

1. Preheat the oven to 425°
2. Roll out the dough into a circle about 11cm in diameter and transfer it to a 9-in pie pan (or smush the dough into the pan with your fingers like an adult)
3. Blind bake the crust for 20 min until partially baked then let cool. Turn the oven down to 350°
4. Whisk the eggs and sugar together until light and fluffy
5. Whisk in the tea mixture, flour, butter, and salt
6. Pour the filling into the crust and baked 25-30 min until the filling has just set and is still slightly jiggly in the center
7.  Cool completely before serving.

Action shot 

In our attempts to figure out our new oven’s quirks, we accidentally overbaked the pie and passed the perfect gooey stage. Luckily the center still was the perfect consistency. Even so, the filling was a great spicy improvement on your standard chess pie, and was even better when it was cold. Next time I think I’d switch out the instant ice tea powder for ground black tea leaves to get a stronger tea flavor (though the iced tea was a nice tribute to the southern theme). We also topped our slices with freshly whipped cream, which I highly recommend.

Final product! Somehow it doesn't look like the picture in the book...

This actually ended up being one of our less successful pies. Turns out when you stop baking pies for two years, you forget about the simple things, like covering the outer crust and that pies continue to cook after you take them out of the oven. Luckily our new cookbook has a pie for each week of the year, so we will have plenty of practice ahead! That being said, you can never go too wrong with butter and sugar. Overall this was the perfect way to break in our new house (along with the obligatory champagne and dance party).

Rather than trying to cut slices with a plastic knife, we ate out of the pie plate like the grownups we are

Game of Thrones: Dragon Eggs with Fire Sauce

Making a Red Wedding Cake for my Game of Thrones Premiere Party only seemed natural, but I found myself completely stuck trying to figure out how to honor dragons. Fortunately, my sister, the world's largest Khal Drogo lover, had just the solution I was looking for. I could make Scotch eggs because what's the use of wrapping something in meat if you're not going to fry it too.

Thanks for the idea, sis. This Mamoa's for you.

Additionally, I knew this could serve as a teachable moment for the kitchen-impaired Lars. It has long been my hope to end her nights of dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets (even if they are scientifically proven to be the tastiest shape there is). I was going to throw her straight into the fire (read: make her handle all the things I didn't feel like doing) and see if she truly was the Mother of Dragons.

Dragon Eggs
Adapted from All Recipes
Servings: 12
Time: 60 minutes

Lars out-peeled me 2 to 1

12 Jumbo eggs
3 lbs ground sausage (I used Jimmy Dean)
Cajun Seasoning
Hot Sauce
4 cups dried bread crumbs, seasoned
4 eggs, beaten
Oil for frying
Fire sauce (recipe below)

Teaching moment one: Get your hands covered in raw meat, so I don't have to!

1. Preheat the oven to 350 F.
2. Boil the eggs by placing them in a pot and covering with water. Bring to a boil, then cover and remove from heat for 10 minutes.
3. Bring the oil to 375 F in a large pot (only fill halfway).
4. Let cool and peel the eggs.
5. Season the sausage with hot sauce and cajun seasoning (lots of both).
6. Wrap the eggs in a layer of sausage. Then dredge them through the eggs and coat with bread crumbs.
7. Fry until golden brown (about 3-5 minutes). Remove with a slotted spoon and let excess oil come off on a plate lined with paper towels.
8. Transfer to a baking sheet and cook for 10 minutes in the oven. Remove any excess oil and keep warm in the oven at 200 F.

Scotch eggs are surprisingly fun and easy to make (especially when you have someone else doing the dirty work). Plus, they also revealed some of my kitchen deficiencies. Apparently, I suck at peeling boiled eggs, but at least the cholesterol bomb of an egg deep fried in sausage will ensure I don't live long enough to feel that shame. I highly recommend seasoning/hot saucing the sausage as much as possible for the full fire effect because the breading and frying will dull it somewhat.

"Where are my dragons?!!?" (They're in your hands. Chill.)

Fire Sauce

Adapted from Olives for Dinner

Previously seen Here

Time: 2 minutes

Mayonnaise 

Sriracha

Cajun Seasoning

Dracarys! Yep, that's exactly what it was like.

1. Mix the mayo and sriracha together in approximately equal proportions (alter to control spice level). Season and stir until smooth. 

These would be worth several armies in Westeros.

Scotch eggs truly are a thing of beauty. You get to journey through the seven four kingdoms of crispy breading, meaty sausage, the tender inner soft boiled egg, and the creamy fire sauce. Plus, they look freaking giant and awesome (and it seems like they'd be fun to throw at people). Even without the opportunity to honor the most majestic imaginary creature this side of the unicorn, these giant fried balls of fury are a perfect stylish appetizer for any gathering.

The dragon eggs look slightly less intimidating when opened, revealing their inner googly eyed nature.

As far as my absurd days of cooking go, this was one for the ages. Aside from the Dragon Eggs and Red Wedding cake, we also supplied some Rosemary Potatoes that went nicely with Kevin's coincidentally prepared Rosemary Chicken Legs (it's like our minds are always in sync), and our sweet tooths were further satiated by Chocolate Covered Strawberries and Sprinkles Cupcakes (the most true food to Game of Thrones because, let's be honest, they totally look like boobies). Plus, I felt a great deal of accomplishment from helping Lars stop being the Jon Snow of cooking.

The meal was rounded off with Kevin's Rosemary Chicken, Lars' and my Rosemary Potatoes, Megan's Chocolate Covered Strawberries and Laura's Sprinkles Cupcakes.